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Madoff Sentenced to 20 Years on Senate Finance Committee
Accused Ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff had his day in court yesterday and was quickly sentenced to 20 years of service on the Senate Finance Committee.
Senate majority leader Harry Reid indicated that the Senate could use Madoff’s experience in seizing significant amounts of money from rich people.
“Sure, we could let Bernie go to jail where he would get tattooed, beaten, picked on, and molested every time he dropped the soap,” said Reid, “But he’s already 70 years old. How much mileage are we going to get out of that?”
The President agreed that too many rich people in this country are being allowed to stay rich.
“I agree that Bernie did the wrong thing when he took all that money and spent it on his lavish lifestyle,” said President Obama, “I think everyone in America agrees we wanted to take all that money and give it to people who are delinquent on their mortgage or collecting unemployment, or need a quick abortion, or want to extract the stem cells from a fetus, or happen to be polar bears in need of a natural habitat. That’s what we’re supposed to do with money we take from the rich. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get to Air Force One. I want to catch a Lakers game.”
Madoff took his sentence in stride, showing little emotion as he left the courtroom. He briefly addressed the media in attendance.
“I know now that what I did was wrong,” said Madoff, “I took money from a bunch of rich people and lived in luxury through the age of 70, which is more than most people even get to live at all these days. Now, I understand that there are better things to do with the money I bilked from the wealthy, like give it to the government so that they can buy Toyota Priuses with satellite radios for all of the government employees in D.C. I hope that I can use my expertise to help this country level the playing field and put an end to the rich once and for all.”
Many Hollywood stars had invested with Madoff and weren’t sure how to react.
“I’m still pissed and I want my money back,” said celebrity Uma Thurman, a Madoff victim, “But if Bernie’s working with President Obama and giving all of my money to a good cause like the installation of industrial methane filters on cows to protect our climate, than I guess I’m okay with it. I was just really planning on buying a speed boat to keep in my swimming pool with that money.”
“I for one would be a little happier if he just went to jail,” said Senator Richard Lugar, R-IN, “That way he could at least get his nose broken or atomic wedgie or something before he dies. I mean, he’s old. He won’t be around that long. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could at least see him in some mental anguish? Oh, well maybe the Senate Finance Committee is a good idea then.” (source:grizzlygroundswell.theodoremedia.com
Senate majority leader Harry Reid indicated that the Senate could use Madoff’s experience in seizing significant amounts of money from rich people.
“Sure, we could let Bernie go to jail where he would get tattooed, beaten, picked on, and molested every time he dropped the soap,” said Reid, “But he’s already 70 years old. How much mileage are we going to get out of that?”
The President agreed that too many rich people in this country are being allowed to stay rich.
“I agree that Bernie did the wrong thing when he took all that money and spent it on his lavish lifestyle,” said President Obama, “I think everyone in America agrees we wanted to take all that money and give it to people who are delinquent on their mortgage or collecting unemployment, or need a quick abortion, or want to extract the stem cells from a fetus, or happen to be polar bears in need of a natural habitat. That’s what we’re supposed to do with money we take from the rich. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get to Air Force One. I want to catch a Lakers game.”
Madoff took his sentence in stride, showing little emotion as he left the courtroom. He briefly addressed the media in attendance.
“I know now that what I did was wrong,” said Madoff, “I took money from a bunch of rich people and lived in luxury through the age of 70, which is more than most people even get to live at all these days. Now, I understand that there are better things to do with the money I bilked from the wealthy, like give it to the government so that they can buy Toyota Priuses with satellite radios for all of the government employees in D.C. I hope that I can use my expertise to help this country level the playing field and put an end to the rich once and for all.”
Many Hollywood stars had invested with Madoff and weren’t sure how to react.
“I’m still pissed and I want my money back,” said celebrity Uma Thurman, a Madoff victim, “But if Bernie’s working with President Obama and giving all of my money to a good cause like the installation of industrial methane filters on cows to protect our climate, than I guess I’m okay with it. I was just really planning on buying a speed boat to keep in my swimming pool with that money.”
“I for one would be a little happier if he just went to jail,” said Senator Richard Lugar, R-IN, “That way he could at least get his nose broken or atomic wedgie or something before he dies. I mean, he’s old. He won’t be around that long. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could at least see him in some mental anguish? Oh, well maybe the Senate Finance Committee is a good idea then.” (source:grizzlygroundswell.theodoremedia.com
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